Growing up in the Western world of decaying cowboy ethics I didn't know that I couldn't see myself. The TV was my mirror. I had vastly differing fantasies about how I saw myself at different ages, as to the accuracy of any of those images I can no longer swear. All before the age of ten I was a cross dressing thesbian acting in my own plays for myself as an audience, I was a dedicated professor of paleontology, and I was of course, a superhero (complete with cape). I didn't think of myself as a person though. I was a story, made up from bits of British Sci-fi shows and children's literature. I was certainly not aware that my feelings were important. I believed that my thoughts would sustain me within a rigid framework of ideals.
I couldn't see myself feeling hurt and alone. Instead I saw conflict and strategy at redemption in the eyes of others. As it turns out, I wasn't very good at that.
I believe now that every moment I passed through brought me here, and I have endless gratitude. Not because I have "figured it all out." In fact, I had it all figured out by the age of 15 and was unable to ask for help at that point in learning anything new. By the time I was 25 my philosophy was an embittered contrivance of contrarianism and avoidance.
I see that this world is full of hunger. The varieties of this hunger are infinite perhaps. The effects of feeding and starving each worthy of note. For instance, some people hunger for food and do not have enough. That may be the most common hunger that we in America think of when we hear the word, even though most of us here are well fed. When you feed a starving person, they have a reprieve from suffering and perhaps from death. Some hunger for success, which can mean almost anything, but, is often mistaken for approval from others.
What makes a person average?
I used to really love this quote from "Tropic of Cancer:"
"I am only spiritually dead. Physically I am alive. Morally I am free. The world which I have departed is a menagerie. The dawn is breaking on a new world, a jungle world in which lean spirits roam with sharp claws. If a am a hyena I am a lean and hungry one: I go forth to fatten myself"
It's a little 'on the nose' to suit my tastes these days, but, it still illustrates the hunger which I feel the strongest, the hunger of the spirit. The need to live a full life.
Realizing my humanity, my fallibility and frailty, my irrational nature, has brought me forward in my journey to a place where I could never see coming by wits alone. In truth, I was never as smart as I thought I was. If I had been paying attention to the results of my machinations, I could have seen that.
This year(2017), more than any other, I have sought out allies in my business. I continue to accept that I can't do everything well. I can't even do most of the things I had been trying to do as well as someone else. Letting go of utter megalomania and asking for help has brought me both success and failure. It has also given me the perspective to see failure, as I am not so close to the process as to be emotionally invested in being right. I find that the most important task I can undertake in my business now is protecting the integrity it was founded upon. The one purpose, to be of service.
In the winter of 2016 I traveled to Thailand. I went for a long motor bike ride out of the tourist center where I was headquartered, and I found a small, quiet place where a stream broke over a waterfall. I spent an hour there trying to be at ease while something called me back to the fray of beaches and night clubs. I saw this bound bouquet on the ground. Something someone had so carefully wrapped up to show beauty, and given to the silent ground. Given to a place left deep inside themselves as they walked away from it.