This Saturday my great niece had her baptism. I got the invite earlier in the week and put it in my calendar. Part of me never intended to go to the baptism. I thought how much more I would enjoy spending a Saturday mid day at home watching Netflix like an overgrown grade schooler set down in front of the Animated Altar. After that thought, I corrected course and attempted to list all the important things requiring my attention at 10 am on Saturday. There are always viable options should one choose to end a pattern of procrastination. That would change precedent however, and could be upsetting to overall morale.
The week went by with little thought of the approaching event. We had a tremendous shift here at the office. All sorts of either boring or exciting or terrifying things were happening, many of them would be confidential though.
I spent Friday evening with Lailielle at her apartment in Lowell. We ate a home cooked meal of Cod and quinoa. We watched Walking Dead. I got up in the morning, showered, had coffee and eggs with microwave banana cake(if you want the recipe ask Laili). After we said tchau, I drove back to NH. I arrived in Portsmouth around 930. I thought, it looks like I am going to this thing after all. What was I so afraid of?
I steered my truck around the downtown for a few minutes, hoping for some inspiration to flee. I couldn't find any reason not to go to the church, so I headed to the Immaculate Conception. When I arrived I found a parking spot right out front, so I parked in it. From the outside these moves must have appeared, if anything a tad unhurried. As I opened the truck door and stepped to the running board, every muscle was obeying a force other than my brain, which sounding like the cowardly member of a ghost hunting party, attempted to cast all manner of doubt upon the actions of the body which it did not heed. As I approached the great doors in the middle of the entry and grabbed the handle, I thought, maybe, despite all the cars in the parking lot being recognized as belonging to my family, maybe they weren't inside the nave or the sanctuary. Maybe these things were held in a separate room just for anointings. So I cautiously pulled the inner door and peeked inside. There they all were, rapt in the moment.
I went inside and joined my family. I slowly filtered through all the greetings and the hugs and my anxiety petered out. My great niece was happy to see me. That's when I connected the dots. This wasn't about me and I had nothing to fear from being a part of it. My fears are usually entirely selfish. I gave a little bit of my precious selfish time and in return I got a hug from a little girl who looks up to me. It was a gift. I can't count it. I can't spend it. It is essentially intangible and the value of such a thing is immeasurable.